How to Stop Taking Things Personally
3 expert tips to build resilience
👋 Hey, it’s Zohvib. Welcome to my weekly newsletter where I share frameworks of proven ideas to become smarter and healthier. If you’re not a subscriber, here’s what you missed this month:
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In 1860, a young Abraham Lincoln received a letter from an 11-year-old girl named Grace Bedell. She suggested that he would look better with a beard, believing it would help him gain more votes.
Despite the unusual nature of the suggestion, Lincoln took it in stride.
He didn’t take offense or feel undermined; instead, he grew a beard, and history remembers him as one of the greatest U.S. presidents.
This story is a perfect example of how not taking things personally can open doors to positive change.
Instead of letting a child's suggestion affect his confidence, Lincoln saw the potential value in it.
If he had taken it personally, perhaps the iconic image of Lincoln with a beard would never have existed.
As Eleanor Roosevelt famously said,
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Why Do We Often Take Things Personally?
We've all been there—feeling like someone's comment was a personal jab aimed directly at us.
But why do we react this way?
Often, it boils down to our deep-seated need for approval and fear of rejection. Our egos crave validation and shun criticism.
When someone says something negative, it feels like a personal attack, stirring up defensiveness and emotional pain.
Recognizing this pattern is the first step toward changing your reactions and not taking things to heart.
Here are 3 strategies to avoid taking things personally:
1: Defuse Defensiveness
When we take things personally, our first instinct is often to defend ourselves. This defensiveness can escalate conflicts and create a negative cycle.
To break this pattern, practice active listening and empathy.
Instead of reacting immediately, take a moment to breathe and understand the other person's perspective. This can help you respond more calmly and constructively.
Imagine your coworker criticizing your presentation. Instead of snapping back or shutting down, take a deep breath and say,
"I appreciate your feedback. Can you help me understand what specifically you think needs improvement?"
This approach not only defuses the situation but also opens the door to constructive dialogue and learning.
Next time you feel defensive, try the "PAUSE" technique:
Pause and take a deep breath.
Acknowledge your feelings without judgment.
Understand the other person's perspective by asking clarifying questions.
Speak calmly and thoughtfully.
Engage in constructive dialogue.
2: Curb Expectations
High expectations of how others should behave can set you up for disappointment and hurt.
Realize that everyone has their own reasons and motivations, which might not align with your expectations.
By lowering these expectations and accepting that not everyone will act or speak as you hope, you can reduce the emotional impact of their actions.
Suppose you expect your friend to remember your birthday and plan a celebration.
When they forget, you feel hurt and unappreciated. Instead of dwelling on it, remind yourself that people have busy lives, and forgetting doesn't mean they don't care about you.
This mindset shift can save you a lot of unnecessary heartache.
To curb expectations, try the "LET GO" technique:
List your expectations and evaluate their reasonableness.
Empathize with others' perspectives and circumstances.
Transform your mindset by focusing on positive aspects.
Give people the benefit of the doubt.
Open yourself to flexibility and understanding.
3: Tap an Aware Mindset
Cultivating self-awareness and mindfulness can significantly reduce personalizing behaviors.
When you're mindful, you're better able to observe your thoughts and feelings without immediately reacting to them.
Practices like meditation and journaling can enhance this awareness, helping you recognize when you're taking something personally and choose a different response.
Let's say a colleague gives you a curt reply in a meeting. Instead of jumping to conclusions and feeling hurt, take a moment to reflect.
Ask yourself,
"Am I overreacting? Could there be another reason for their behavior?"
This pause allows you to respond thoughtfully rather than impulsively.
To tap into an aware mindset, try the "OBSERVE" technique:
Observe your initial reactions without judgment.
Breathe deeply to center yourself.
Scan your thoughts and emotions for triggers.
Evaluate the situation objectively.
Reframe your thoughts to focus on facts, not assumptions.
Voice your feelings calmly if needed.
Engage in mindful practices regularly to build awareness.
Aftermath
Mastering the art of not taking things personally can transform your life.
By defusing defensiveness, curbing expectations, and cultivating an aware mindset, you equip yourself with tools to handle any situation with grace and strength.
It’s about taking control of your reactions and not letting others dictate your emotional state.
These strategies will not only reduce your stress but also improve your relationships, making interactions smoother and more fulfilling.
As Wayne Dyer wisely said,
"How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours."
Thanks for reading! I hope you found this edition of my newsletter useful.
All the best.
-Zohvib
Definitely needed this. I am so quick to get defensive. I have to remember PAUSE. Just recently the concept of pausing came up, in relation to when becoming agitated. I think it's the same but I appreciate how you expanded on it making it more understandable.